Redheaded Travels

It is for me.  almost easier than love.  there’s little convincing needed in anger and it works so well to cover up other emotions.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned since being away it’s that.  I reach for anger before pulling any others off the shelf.  

There’s plenty of reasons for me to be mad: ringworm on the face, money getting stolen from the house I was living in (twice), constantly being looked at as slutty b/c I’m a white woman and I must want to be hit on if I happen to make eye contact, being looked at as an ATM and constantly asked for money b/c I’m white (good training for parenthood I suppose), loving kids with terrible diseases & no parents who just want love and didn’t ask for this life.  

The hidden emotions: hopelessness, insecurity, guilt, fear: of the future, my ability to help, my sanity, death.  There’s more I haven’t even tried to uncover because I’m simply too scared.  I can’t figure out how the world got so fucked up or any way to possibly fix it.  Yet I feel responsible:  for the world being the way it is b/c I represent long ago oppression (and possible new colonialism).  I feel like I need to fix it.  And I never will.  I can’t, not alone.  All I can really do is take a piece and make it better.  Try not to inflict unnecessary harm.  But I want to fix it all.  I want to make sense of it.  Maybe make sense of me along the way.  

And the oddest part?  While I’m uncomfortable in many ways in a different culture, I know when I get back I’ll be just as uncomfortable.  Which will push me to action.  A good thing, yes, but once I’ve got a handle on it all I’ll be leaving again.  Why?  Well b/c I paid for a trip and because, most of all, I’m afraid if I settle down, make some adult decisions, I might actually get everything I want, even the things I won’t admit to myself.  

And what the hell would I do with myself then?

so we’re off (shirley and I).  Heading down to South Africa for 3 ish weeks of fun and then it’s one hectic week in NYC with 40 hours in Boston then back to MN to see if the world is gonna end and I go ex pat. 

Am I sad to leave Tanzania?  No, hell, no.  Yes, I will miss the kids and the beauty of the place and I would be even more angry had we not met the most amazing woman last night, but good bye.  and right now good riddance.  for a bit.  I’ll be back here in 8 months as part of a camping trip.

Didn’t know I would get so homesick for the US.  My freedom, my culture.  Fast internet and great cheese.  But I did realize how much I love the US.  For all it’s shit I am totally completely in love with the US and everything it has to offer.  Everything I can take advantage of, even when we’re taking advantage of others.  And the fact that I can opt out of taking advantage of others.  And political dissent. 

this is short, after the longest time away.  the truth is I haven’t got the energy or patience to explain.  nor will I know, if ever.  Some really shit stuff happened while I was away and it’s made me weary and disappointed in the ablity of people to choose bad instead of good.  Yet it has only strengthened my resolve to make good choices.  most of the time.  at least when it involves other’s welfare.  It also make me want to live up my youth as much and as long and has hard as I can. 

if when I get home you see a sadness in my eyes, look at me, smile genuinely, put a hand on my shoulder and say “guilt is a luxury, most of the rest of the world is just trying to survive.” 

and at my best, I’ll smile and say thanks, but when it’s really hard, I’ll just say “me too, me too.”